Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
#polloftheday
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something