Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
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Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.