When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum