[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.