Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
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Good dog. ❤️
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about