Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
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no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?