Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
You Might Also Like
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.