“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
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i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.