You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
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Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.