She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
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Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Most fashion shows these days…
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
The smoothest fall of all time
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?