Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
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“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?