[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
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Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”