I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
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remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us