I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.