Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
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Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
This was my dad’s browser history.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.