Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
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ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]