If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together