Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket