How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.