I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
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Cndnsd Mlk
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My dad is at it again
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”