My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
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What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did