Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
You Might Also Like
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
How to find Kentucky on a map
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.