First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
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Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry