4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
White Castle for the Win
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.