Me)Print
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Me)Print
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Me)PRINT
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Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
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Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Finally!
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I hope it’s French Onion!
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me