“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
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Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription: