Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”