WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.