Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
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My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
then why did i get this email