My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
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2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason