I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
You Might Also Like
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples