My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Best spoiler warning ever
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.