Love it! 馃憤馃槀
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If you know, you know 馃槀馃殧
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
To all the boys I didn鈥檛 really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
This is Facts right here 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don鈥檛 rush me
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn鈥檛 paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
If you鈥檙e feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
when someone鈥檚 guiding me into a parking spot:
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.