I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
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a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I’d use my best pan on you.