Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
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It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I wanna be friends with this person
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
had to share :’)
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.