Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
the world’s most popular steaming services
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.