Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
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Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Good news
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper