when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
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Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.