[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
You Might Also Like
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun