If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
three things we don’t talk about
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.