[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
You Might Also Like
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
bought wrong eggs
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.