Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Happy Thanksgiving
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter