Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
You Might Also Like
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*