I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
You Might Also Like
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time