OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity