You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
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Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.