“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
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Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
They did not miss in the small print
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
#growingpains
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!