Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
You Might Also Like
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
This is my pinned tweet
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro