Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
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GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house