Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
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[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My patronus is a cheeseburger
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
i hope my email finds you on fire
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust